Features:

• Concrete thinkers who are beginning to develop thinking patterns.
• They question how their lives will be different, what will be the same, and how one knows the person is dead.
• Usually interested in how the body works, may ask questions like: Did his blood get all over the windshield? Will her hair fall out now that she is dead?
• Their questions and play may be graphic and gory, displaying a fear of bodily harm and mutilation. (details are common).
• At this age they have a better understanding of death and comprehend that they too can die.
• They often perceive death as a punishment for something they did, and often associate guilt with death.
• They begin to fear death.
• They realize death is final and people they love can die too.
• There is curiosity regarding the biological aspects of death.

Things to keep in mind when dealing with elementary and middle school aged children:

• They cannot sustain emotional pain for long periods of time.
• DO NOT reject their emotions.
• DO NOT tell them how to feel or how not to feel.
• Death is not contagious- be sure to differentiate.
• Remember that children tend to idolize the dead…help them to gently regain their balance and perspective.

Common Behaviors to Expect: In Ages 6-9

• Regression to earlier behaviors.
• Crying, protest, pain, despair, disorganization.
• Fighting, anger, high anxiety.
• Daydreaming.
• Not completing homework or assignments.
• Stable eating/ sleeping patterns are disrupted then return to “normal”.
• Withdrawal.
• Less willing to talk about death.
• Grief reactions ebb and flow.

How to Help:

• Answer questions as clearly and accurately as possible.
• Refrain from using clichés.
• Respond compassionately.
• Be responsive to their needs without punishment or judgment.
• Provide art, music, and dance activities.
• Make time for physical outlets: sports, games, walks.
• Help the student identify and use support systems.
• Work with student around academic workload.
• Allow for expressions of feelings and emotions.
• Allow flexibility in routines and structure.
• Give the students choices whenever possible.
• Let the student know you care and are thinking of them.
• Assign the student a buddy who can work with him/ her.
• Create a “ safe place” where a student can go if needed.

Common Behaviors to Expect: In Ages Nine to Twelve:

• Separation anxiety and fear.
• Reluctance to leave home and parents.
• May lose some manual skills.
• Their grades may fall, daydreaming and blaming…Do not reprimand for poor grades.
• Denial, guilt, hostility, distancing.
• Argumentative.
• Withdrawal and sullenness.
• Anger and fighting.
• Sleepiness.
• Moodiness.
• Risk taking behaviors (dugs, sexual acting out, stealing).
• Erratic inconsistent reactions.

How to Help:

• Expect and except mood swings.
• Provide a supportive environment where students can share, when needed.
• Anticipate increased physical concerns, including illness and body aches and pains.
• Allow the student to choose with whom and how she gets support.
• Encourage participation in a support group.
• Allow flexibility in completing school work.

Features:

• More adult thought processes evident.
• Able to think abstractly.
• Understand implications of death.
• Have feelings of immortality and realize life is fragile.

Common Behaviors to Expect:

• Assumes the adult role.
• Preoccupation with death.
• Withdrawal from parents and other adults.
• Angry outbursts.
• May attempt suicide as a gesture.
• Increased risk taking behaviors.
• Pushing the limits of the rules.
• Lack of concentration: inability to focus.
• Hanging out with a small group of friends.
• Sad face evidence of crying.
• Sleepiness, exhaustion.

How to Help:

• Allow for regression and dependency.
• Encourage expression of feelings such as sorrow, anger guilt, regret.
• Understand and allow for variation in maturity level.
• Answer questions honestly and provide factual information.
• Model appropriate responses, showing the students your own grief.
• Avoid power struggles and allow choices.
• Help students understand and resolve feelings of helplessness.
• Assist students with plans for completion of assignments.
• Allow for some flexibility in assignments…be willing to adapt assignments to topics relevant to student’s current experience.